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This is jumbled, I am sorry, bear with me!

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Nov. 14th, 2009 | 12:23 am
posted by: majesticmedusa in advice_source

21, Female

I have a bit of a life in general problem right now. This problem has actually been occurring since I was about 11, and I just am not sure what kinds of things I should do to fix it. My problem is self-imposed, nobody is at fault but me. I suppose that is the most difficult thing about it.
I have almost no motivation to make progress in my life, I guess that is the heart of it. I do the bare minimum to get by in life. Yes, I have a job, and I go to school part time. I just do not feel like I am making progress, or like I know what I truly want to do. The strange thing about it all is that, when I was a kid I was good at everything I tried. I got straight A's in school, my singing was terrific, I was good at martial arts, and good at guitar too (especially for a kid). However, I haven't really focused on any of those things in the last eight years or so (depending on which one).
During high school I was a big procrastinator, and was always turning things in late. I did go to an arts high school though. Most of the time my photography, singing, or writing was really terrible, and it was obvious I didn't spend the proper amount of time on it. However, once in awhile, I would turn out some piece of work that everyone thought was amazing. It didn't happen often, maybe once or twice a year, but it did occur.
In the past couple years since I've graduated high school, I have dropped so many classes, that the community college I was attending put me on their little blacklist of 'people who can't get financial aid'. I moved to a different community college and was able to get financial aid finally.
Even though these classes I am taking are easy, I still do things at the absolute last minute, and I really don't study. I am barely making a C in a class that is easy, and still somehow fascinating to me, but yet, I don't have the motivation to pick up the book and study.
I also detest my job. I am late almost every day, and am planning on calling out for four days in a row which they wouldn't give me off (because my work has this policy that you can't have any time off during the holidays, period). I think I might get fired.

Anyway, what all of that background info is leading up to, is the fact that I have no idea where my passion went. I used to be very motivated in school, and artistically. Now I am not sure what I want to do as a career anymore. I have several ideas in my head, and they are all pretty far fetched and take a lot of motivation to get to. The biggest one (and the most far-fetched) is becoming a musician, having an all female rock band. After I got older, my voice changed, and I stopped practicing singing for awhile. I began practicing again recently, but my voice is just terrible. I can't seem to hold a tune anymore, and lack technical musical knowledge, and experience, like other people my age who are in bands. I tried taking music theory, re-learning guitar, and just practicing my vocals, and they just never seem to get better.

The other careers I had in mind were teaching English in Japan, opening my own business, and writing. Of course, teaching English requires a degree, which I sort of have been attempting to turtle-walk my way to. I don't even know where to start when it comes to opening my own business, but I do know I am poor at money management. I have tried working on writing some stories, and they go nowhere. In any case, because I don't know what to do, I haven't made any positive steps towards any of them.
I am constantly tired, although have difficulty getting to sleep despite that. When I do finally get to sleep, I have a very difficult time waking up (which is how I am late to work almost every day). I have tried taking melatonin, which is a natural sleep aid (which my doctor recommended to me) and it worked well for awhile. Then I noticed that even though I took it, I would be sorta tired and spacey all day at work and school.
I also detest my job, as I mentioned earlier. I sell electronics at Wal-mart, where I chose to work two years ago due to a good pay rate ( I am now making over $10 per hour, when other places offer me 7.50), and the necessity of funds for school at the time (since I couldn't get financial aid at school).

All in all, I feel like a big loser. Especially when I look at the unmotivated, unhygienic, obese people who shop/work where I work. People who have worked for some crappy retail place most of their lives and make about what I make. I fear becoming like that. I don't know what the hell my problem is, why I stopped caring. Not much really interests me anymore, except reading a good story. Any good book, or piece of writing, I am drawn to. I can read for hours. I am also obsessed with listening to music. I listen to music all day, and tend to day dream way too often. I wish I could get out of my head and take action. I try, and my motivation always lacks, and I never complete any project. It seems like I'm much more interested in delving into another world, than my own boring life. That sounds pathetic, and teenaged. Most people grow out of that by the time they are in their twenties. They start going out and doing things, and focusing on work/school more.

I also feel like I lack experiences. On job applications, or if you look at things about college admissions, it always asks you about an experiencewhich has changed your life, or moved you. I do not have something like that so far. Sure, I have gone on vacation to a couple other states, I have gone to a few concerts, but other than that, nothing. I've lived Arizona my entire life, gone to high school, had some part time jobs, gone to a community college, and worked, managed to move out of my parents' house (which I am now moving back in to so I can pay off credit card debt I obtained thanks to a room mate who left me with the apt lease, and I put many expenses on it). My family is relatively normal, and they all have normal jobs. Most of my cousins, and my little brother, are really into sports, and do well at them. Most of my family does exceed in the things they do.

I know my life isn't going to change over night, but I have tried many times taking small steps to improve my motivation, or time management, or health, or goals, or views on life. It all ends up in failure. I want to know if someone else here has had a similar experience, or felt this way before. I have been feeling like this for about half my life. I want to feel like I have accomplished something, and have something to show for myself besides the basic 'duh's' in life, such as graduating high school, or getting a job at Walmart, or having a crappy roach-infested apartment. Any insight is appreciated, especially since I haven't really helped myself much, and put someone through reading this mess. Thank you.

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Comments {9}

estoid

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from: estoid
date: Nov. 15th, 2009 12:26 am (UTC)
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HOOOOOLY CRAP, YOU ARE ME! In so many ways, from doing well in school as a kid, to losing motivation as the years went by, to screwing up post-secondary and not being able to get funding (although mine comes in the form of not paying my student loans so I'm screwed when it comes to going back to school... ever), to not liking your job much and calling in sick, and all the way down to a roommate leaving you with the lease and having to put expenses on your credit card.

Dude, I'm so sorry. Haha.

Anyways, maybe I'll throw out a suggestion that helped change my life (although I'm still lazy and pretty much screwed in other ways, but bear with me). Even though I know I've been depressed since junior high, if not earlier, I only once went to therapy for it, at a walk-in clinic. The woman wasn't very good, except for one question she asked me: "When are you happiest?"

I, too, never really felt like I was *living life*. Your comment about not having any life-changing experiences is telling. You know what you have to do? You have to make an effort to have one of those. I realized that I'm happiest when I'm travelling or truly living. I don't have a lot of money to do huge overseas trips, but I realized that there are smaller things I can do close to home. I realized that I needed to do what made me happiest as much as possible. So, I got really proactive about things I liked to do. I went to waterparks, floated rivers, drove go-karts, and anything else I thought would be fun. I felt like my neurons were firing like they'd never fired before. And it honest to god changed my life. My life was no longer a boring haze, it was AMAZING! Somehow, through that, a lot of other stuff came together, too - eg. I found the first guy who has ever stuck with me for longer than a couple of months.

So, I want you to ask yourself: when are you happiest? And when you figure out what that is, you need to do that as much as possible. LIVE! It's great.

Anyways, I hope everything works out for you. I'll warn against financial mistakes as much as possible, because I'm 28 and have really messed up my life in that regard. I wish I'd done something about it sooner. That's the only thing I think you should be really careful about. The rest sounds like someone who had it easy for a long time and didn't really know how to work hard, and now you're suffering the consequences of stuff not coming easily to you. You're probably insanely talented and smart. These are good things, and will take you to amazing places, so don't fault yourself too much - we all make mistakes. But try not to screw up your finances too much, okay? This is coming from experience.

Wow, I'm rambly.

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Medusa

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from: majesticmedusa
date: Nov. 15th, 2009 03:42 am (UTC)
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Thanks for the input :). I guess as far as school and things that required self-motivation goes, I have had it easy. I was a pretty smart kid, and didn't worry about studying, even in the gifted classes. I still got straight A's. However, when it came to things around the house/family life, my parents really made me work hard. They were also very strict about manners and house rules. So I dunno if I fall into the category of having it easy or hard, I guess it depends. I will try to take some of that stuff into account about just getting out and stuff. I am also constantly worried about money, so I am sure that will be fixed once I am back at my parents, paying off my credit card, instead of insane amounts of rent like here at my apartment.
I've thought a lot about what makes me happy, and they are all indulgent things ,that will be unlikely to get me a career. Reading, listening to music, eating, sleeping. I haven't found a useful skill that I like employing. Maybe I just still need to discover it. Thanks again for the input/reading my ramble. Its nice to know other people have felt like this.

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Shana TC

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from: shana_tc
date: Nov. 16th, 2009 03:47 am (UTC)
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I wholeheartedly agree with the poster above. I was just like you also. I'm better but I relapse. I know I suffered from untreated depression and may still. I know it sounds crazy and I have no religious or medical reason not to, but I don't believe in taking meds for myself. I believe my depression is more situational, I just think I'm more prone than others to slip into when things aren't going right.
But I was like you, thankfully I was in the air national guard so my school was paid for, but I essentially ruined my chances because I got fired from my job 4 years ago and had to drop out to get a new job because I had a mortgage and car payments. I was only 21 at the time. I was in an unhappy marriage with someone I didn't feel loved me and I was having a lot of problems with my parents and siblings. Because it was fall semester during the holidays no matter how much I tried I could not get ahold of someone to get me a hardship withdrawal and I ended up getting suspended from my university.
What changed my life was my first visit to Japan. It was the first time I up and traveled with hardly any money, no plans, just adventure. I was with a really good friend the whole time and having so much fun with him, who was just a friend made me realize how miserable I was in my marriage and I came home and told my husband I wanted a divorce. It was a very hard summer, but I traveled everywhere I could, all on credit unfortunately (I too have a crazy amount of credit card debt) I went to San Fransisco for a concernt, Las Vegas

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Shana TC

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from: shana_tc
date: Nov. 16th, 2009 03:50 am (UTC)
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for a concert, weekend trips to DC, Baltimore and just anywhere I could go. Until I deployed to Iraq and things really changed. I'd tell you more, but it really is too long of a story. In a nutshell, my advice would be to take a look around your life and figure out what may be holding you back, what may be bringing you down. I was too blind to see that my marriage, my job, my family were causing my depression, I was too blind to even see I was depressed. Your life, your outlook might improve if you take charge of your life.

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Medusa

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from: majesticmedusa
date: Nov. 18th, 2009 08:32 am (UTC)
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I think I can relate to you a bit on this. I really don't want to take meds to get over this hump. It has been holding me down for a long time, but I don't like the idea that I can pop a pill, and I'll start feeling mentally better. I do have things holding me back in my life, but I feel like there is no way out. One of those things is my job, which I think I talked about. I hate my job. I feel angry, and frustrated when I am there, and all I can think about is 'when am I getting out of here?'. I have bills though, I can't 'just quit'. There are other things too, that make me feel stuck, there are just a lot of them though. I know that 'I'm still young, and that's why I'm in college' and all that, but obviously I'm not going much of anywhere. I guess I'm confused. I don't know what I really want.

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Medusa

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from: majesticmedusa
date: Nov. 18th, 2009 08:33 am (UTC)
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Thank you by the way, for reading that mess, and giving me your input.

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