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This is jumbled, I am sorry, bear with me!

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Nov. 14th, 2009 | 12:23 am
posted by: majesticmedusa in advice_source

21, Female

I have a bit of a life in general problem right now. This problem has actually been occurring since I was about 11, and I just am not sure what kinds of things I should do to fix it. My problem is self-imposed, nobody is at fault but me. I suppose that is the most difficult thing about it.
I have almost no motivation to make progress in my life, I guess that is the heart of it. I do the bare minimum to get by in life. Yes, I have a job, and I go to school part time. I just do not feel like I am making progress, or like I know what I truly want to do. The strange thing about it all is that, when I was a kid I was good at everything I tried. I got straight A's in school, my singing was terrific, I was good at martial arts, and good at guitar too (especially for a kid). However, I haven't really focused on any of those things in the last eight years or so (depending on which one).
During high school I was a big procrastinator, and was always turning things in late. I did go to an arts high school though. Most of the time my photography, singing, or writing was really terrible, and it was obvious I didn't spend the proper amount of time on it. However, once in awhile, I would turn out some piece of work that everyone thought was amazing. It didn't happen often, maybe once or twice a year, but it did occur.
In the past couple years since I've graduated high school, I have dropped so many classes, that the community college I was attending put me on their little blacklist of 'people who can't get financial aid'. I moved to a different community college and was able to get financial aid finally.
Even though these classes I am taking are easy, I still do things at the absolute last minute, and I really don't study. I am barely making a C in a class that is easy, and still somehow fascinating to me, but yet, I don't have the motivation to pick up the book and study.
I also detest my job. I am late almost every day, and am planning on calling out for four days in a row which they wouldn't give me off (because my work has this policy that you can't have any time off during the holidays, period). I think I might get fired.

Anyway, what all of that background info is leading up to, is the fact that I have no idea where my passion went. I used to be very motivated in school, and artistically. Now I am not sure what I want to do as a career anymore. I have several ideas in my head, and they are all pretty far fetched and take a lot of motivation to get to. The biggest one (and the most far-fetched) is becoming a musician, having an all female rock band. After I got older, my voice changed, and I stopped practicing singing for awhile. I began practicing again recently, but my voice is just terrible. I can't seem to hold a tune anymore, and lack technical musical knowledge, and experience, like other people my age who are in bands. I tried taking music theory, re-learning guitar, and just practicing my vocals, and they just never seem to get better.

The other careers I had in mind were teaching English in Japan, opening my own business, and writing. Of course, teaching English requires a degree, which I sort of have been attempting to turtle-walk my way to. I don't even know where to start when it comes to opening my own business, but I do know I am poor at money management. I have tried working on writing some stories, and they go nowhere. In any case, because I don't know what to do, I haven't made any positive steps towards any of them.
I am constantly tired, although have difficulty getting to sleep despite that. When I do finally get to sleep, I have a very difficult time waking up (which is how I am late to work almost every day). I have tried taking melatonin, which is a natural sleep aid (which my doctor recommended to me) and it worked well for awhile. Then I noticed that even though I took it, I would be sorta tired and spacey all day at work and school.
I also detest my job, as I mentioned earlier. I sell electronics at Wal-mart, where I chose to work two years ago due to a good pay rate ( I am now making over $10 per hour, when other places offer me 7.50), and the necessity of funds for school at the time (since I couldn't get financial aid at school).

All in all, I feel like a big loser. Especially when I look at the unmotivated, unhygienic, obese people who shop/work where I work. People who have worked for some crappy retail place most of their lives and make about what I make. I fear becoming like that. I don't know what the hell my problem is, why I stopped caring. Not much really interests me anymore, except reading a good story. Any good book, or piece of writing, I am drawn to. I can read for hours. I am also obsessed with listening to music. I listen to music all day, and tend to day dream way too often. I wish I could get out of my head and take action. I try, and my motivation always lacks, and I never complete any project. It seems like I'm much more interested in delving into another world, than my own boring life. That sounds pathetic, and teenaged. Most people grow out of that by the time they are in their twenties. They start going out and doing things, and focusing on work/school more.

I also feel like I lack experiences. On job applications, or if you look at things about college admissions, it always asks you about an experiencewhich has changed your life, or moved you. I do not have something like that so far. Sure, I have gone on vacation to a couple other states, I have gone to a few concerts, but other than that, nothing. I've lived Arizona my entire life, gone to high school, had some part time jobs, gone to a community college, and worked, managed to move out of my parents' house (which I am now moving back in to so I can pay off credit card debt I obtained thanks to a room mate who left me with the apt lease, and I put many expenses on it). My family is relatively normal, and they all have normal jobs. Most of my cousins, and my little brother, are really into sports, and do well at them. Most of my family does exceed in the things they do.

I know my life isn't going to change over night, but I have tried many times taking small steps to improve my motivation, or time management, or health, or goals, or views on life. It all ends up in failure. I want to know if someone else here has had a similar experience, or felt this way before. I have been feeling like this for about half my life. I want to feel like I have accomplished something, and have something to show for myself besides the basic 'duh's' in life, such as graduating high school, or getting a job at Walmart, or having a crappy roach-infested apartment. Any insight is appreciated, especially since I haven't really helped myself much, and put someone through reading this mess. Thank you.

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Comments {9}


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from: hoodwink
date: Nov. 15th, 2009 04:00 am (UTC)

Depression isn't just about tears or thoughts of suicide. It can manifest in multiple ways.

Good Luck.

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